Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Floor bacon is actually really good
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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