I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
