Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
