you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
