I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
