ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just cropdusted the office
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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