I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
