My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
