I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
