Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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