I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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