Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
