I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
