I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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