Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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