At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
4 words: hood of his car
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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