Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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