I skipped work to stalk him.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
