My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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