So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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