I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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