he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
