sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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