my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
