I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
