if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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