My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
