so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
