My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
