I skipped work to stalk him.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She tied me up with her honor cords...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
