He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Just invented taco cereal.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
