I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
