If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
