He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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