I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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