with your own penis?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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