Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
