she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
