i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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