Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
