and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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