Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
