I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
