so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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