I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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