The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
