I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
