Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
