dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
