The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
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